Oh-oh, ah-ah-ah, she-she…One.Two.Three,snap …but F-a-b-i-o-l-a switch the lights off so we can just use the iPhone camera flash, wait but Zari wants the lights on and no camera flash, but you GIRLS’ ARE “SELFIE-FISH”, Desire has not yet put on her blue-black makeup.
Kyoka ! Fabiola ehhhh… for this “selfie” are you intending to provoke Father Lokondo? Kale! you “gaaloooziii” if this “pikichaa” is going to be posted on #Facebook or #Instagram. I first need to wear a little makeup on the 2.3 centimeters’ of the top left corner of my left eye, I need to incite violence in every man’s Southern hemisphere like Judith Heard does!
And you Hellen Lukoma, please don’t over over… hash tag the picture on Instagram, the last beach selfie you posted “yowa” bu-#hashtags, consumed all my little #MBz and Bad Black complained that it also drained all her phone-battery-juice, kyoka imagine she was in prison.
Away from those post “selfie” dainty moments, do you roll your eyes in a zigzag direction when you hear the word “selfie”? Well, I’m sure that you’re no stranger at attempting 500 snaps of you in an effort to take that “purrrfect” self-taken photo of yourself parading your sweet kissable face.
#Know Your Facial Geometry
Do you own a cat or dog face? What are your favorite facial features? Do you want to give them prominence in the picture by the way, do you even know them? Well, I will rig some votes for you if you have a pronounced nose (and you don’t have to be Rwandese) facial shots side-on are going to attract attention to it. Twich your eyes, shudder your eyebrows. Practice makes perfect Oh Girl! This is a game of thrones and the best “selfie” is supposed to be uploaded.
TIP: You’re not going to learn this overnight but start experimenting with your bathroom mirror and then upgrade to your “China” Phone.
#Know Your Angle
Even the amateur first timer nursery school girls are doing this on their ring-ring toy phones. Tilt your head to the left and then the right as you view your phone’s screen. Remember for many a girl a one-sided shot is more attractive than a straight-on shot.
It’s not hard to calculate the camera angle okay it’s at least easier to calculate than knowing your safe days. (Did I just say that?) Simply start by avoiding low angle “selfies” these will make you appear fatter than Catherine Kusasira.
So how do you do it? (Okikola otya) hold your phone slightly above your face while pointing the front facing camera downwards, and then try to make eye contact with the front camera until the point right beneath your eye lashes. Don’t get excited … before you try this out don’t forget to try to look cuter by getting closer to the camera to give the illusion of a rounder face and larger than life eyes.
Tip: Don’t hold the camera far away from your face
#Wear Your Million Dollar Smile & Stand in the Light
Smile like you are auditioning to be my next girlfriend. If you can’t smile, Airtel has a Berako service to lend smiles to those are “smilingly bankrupt”. The English have a saying that one flash of a smile brightens up Sebunya Robert’s day but nothing brightens up my day like a lady smile in a “selfie” in fact it’s an open secret that I used to give away 40 dollars a day every time I saw a girl smile. Plizzz and please don’t ask if I’m the one behind the 40 days 40 similes campaign. Remember gorgeous lighting flatters you smile.
#Know what to do with your Lips
It was written and will never be unwritten never ever ever… have dry lips while taking a “selfie” even if it requires you to deep your lips in a saucepan full of cooking oil this will be your lucky charm. Your lips are supposed to look like you kissing for living and lastly try puckering your lips like Kim Kardashian does in her pictures.
#Be Confident and Have Fun
Please, have the confidence to parade yourself for the camera like your boyfriend Sebunya Robert paid your rent for that plush apartment for the next 98 years. Be creative like the results of your actions will stabilize the Uganda shilling against the dollar. A key creative tip take the selfie at the magic hour! (The magic hour is actually two hours-one after sunrise and one hour before sunset). Pose with something new from a new pair glasses to a new future ex-boyfriend. Express yourself with a frown! Pout, smile or try saying the name Sebunya out loudly. Girl you the winner you can now snap away!
I hope by now you have mastered your selfie game. Thanks for reading through my piece it’s going to be a series of free-styled articles called Girl’s Off Topic published on this Techjaja until the moment a lady out there proposes to me (by volunteering to write for us at Techjaja).